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Jokes

**Some jokes may be a little risqué…**

A guy traveling through the prairies of the Midwest stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings. After he blew out 9 or 10 smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian approached him and said, "Now listen buddy, if you don't stop calling me that I'll smash your face in!"

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"
The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."
The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin".  The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?" The other one says,"Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

The Pope goes to visit the Famous Seven Dwarfs, see? He is finishing his treatise on comparative religions, and Dopey raises his hand to ask a question.

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

"No, Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not."

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in anywhere in Italy?" Dopey asked.

"No, Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

"Mr. Pope," Dopey askes pleadingly, " are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No, Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

Then, softly...in the background, the six remaining dwarfs start chanting...

"Dopey screwed a penguin. Dopey screwed a penguin..."

  1. How do you make a cat go woof?

A:  Douse it with gasoline and toss it into a fireplace.

A chicken and an egg check in to a cheap motel room.  Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette.

The egg says, "Well, that settles that."

         During a sermon, the preacher says to his congregation, "The Bible covers everything.  I challenge anyone to name a subject I can't find in the Good Book."
         A woman in a back pew raises her hand and asks, "What about PMS?"
        Caught by surprise, the preacher nervously thumbs through the Bible before exclaiming, "Oh, here it is: 'And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem.'"

A woman is in the welfare office filling out forms when the clerk asks how many children she has.
"Ten boys, " the woman replies.  "All of 'em named Bobby."
"They're all named Bobby?" the clerk exclaims.  "Why?"
"That way when I want them to come in for dinner, I just yell 'Bobby!'"
"What if you want just one of them to do something?"
"I call him by his last name."